Neither One Lasts Forever.

(Found on the app 'Acceptance Quote Wallpapers')

For the last couple of months things have been up and down. There were events to be in a state of euphoria about and some damning times dragging me down to the depths of despair. The good was very good, entrancingly good but the bad was very bad, destructively bad.

This is why the quote above is very relevant in my life right now. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be sad. When you are happy, make the most of it as you don't know when the tides could change. When you are sad, remember there was a time you felt better and that time will come again - you will not feel that pain forever.

Remembering feelings don't last but consistently change can be helpful when feeling both ends of the spectrum and all that's in-between. Treasure and be grateful for the bright days. Fight on and do not be defeated by the dark days. Both will end.

Life Update: July 2015

Hey...yeah its been a while...
I'm sorry! It's just life has been a little crazy lately and I haven't been in the right frame of mind for blogging. Its only now things have calmed down and I have had a chance to take everything in. So here's what you've been missing...

Exams! This May and June I took my GCSEs which are very important. The whole year we have been told this was the most important year of our short 16 years on Earth. So no pressure right? Wrong. There was a huge amount of pressure and sense of do or die. Or more like pass or your life is over when its barely just begun. But I got through it somehow.

See the cruel thing about the education system is up to Year 9 school is fairly unimportant and nothing significant really happens. Then in Year 10 you are thrown into the dungeon of exam and future building stress. You enter at age 15 and some don't leave until their early 20s. Soon after all my GCSE exams were over I was reminded about how I have to start the process all over again with my A-levels. More exams, more assessments, more judgement of whether you are good enough. As if it wasn't bad enough the first time round, we go round again on the carousel qualifications hoping one day to get off this ride and all our hard work will pay off in the real world.

For now no school or any kind of education. I have very long summer ahead of me. I don't have loads of things planned. I enjoy the simple things in life with no pressure, schedules and expectations. I enjoy the freedom of not having to do anything or be anywhere. Of course I'll do things and try and make the most of summer but you can't force these things.

In terms of my mental well-being. I'm doing a lot better than earlier in the year. I'm currently in cognitive behavioural therapy and on medication. They seem to be helping. I don't regularly partake in any nasty habits and I don't have dangerous reoccurring thought and urges. I'm doing more as well especially socially. I go to parties now which is very exciting. The first one I went to was the after-prom party. Long story short me and Ella acquainted ourselves with the right people, made good friends and now we are part of a friendship group again. But this time they are mostly boys!

There was been no lack of chemistry in our newly formed friendships. Ella my best friends is dating Jordon. I am dating Gideon who is Jordon's best friend. Yes you read that right, I do have a boyfriend. I have managed to get myself into a relationship with a very lovely young fellow. We seemed to have lost our other friends but it hasn't hit us too bad. We are much too fascinated with our new situation. Things are very exciting and busy and strange. So much has changed in a matter of months even weeks. I'd say all the changes are for the better but it is a shock to the system.

My only issue now is the separation of me and my very first boyfriend. Even though Gideon has been brought up in the UK his parents are Malaysian. Therefore Gideon and his mother are taking advantage of the long summer totalling almost 3 months, to go back to Malaysia. Unfortunately I won't be seeing him for 6 weeks. Far too long especially when for the whole month we have been together we have pretty much seen each other every other day. Plus there is a 8 hour time difference so communication will be a little challenging. So this is the first test of our relationship.

I will end with a prom photo:

Lots of Love,

Becca 

xx

Difficulty

**TRIGGER WARNING. I am going to be writing about anxiety, self harm, depression and suicide. This possibly could be triggering. YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS. It's very sad and not very interesting. I just find writing things out therapeutic and helpful instead of having things going round and round in my head. **

I don't know where to start! Okay the last counselling session I had which will be nearly three weeks ago now, I talked about having suicidal thoughts. This wasn't new. I had mentioned this a couple of session before however they seemed to be getting worse and I think she could sense that. She said we should probably do something because the counselling sessions didn't seem to be enough. After some deliberation we agreed that she would tell the child protection officer a school who would talk to me and then my parents and I would see the doctor about getting medication. Part of me was okay with it because I felt like I needed it. The thoughts were getting scary and difficult to deal with. A larger part of me was absolutely terrified! The talk with the child protection officer was very uncomfortable but I knew it wouldn't be the worst thing to come from this. My parents were called. I had a short conversation with my mum. A summary of it: if the counsellor says I should go to the doctor to get medication, I should probably go. No mention of self harm or suicide. An appointment was booked- they had one free that evening.

The doctors appointment was horrible. I didn't feel like he acted sensitively or sympathetically at all. He was just firing questions at me about things that took me weeks to be able to tell my counsellor. I couldn't tell him the whole story. I just couldn't especially not in front of my mum. He mentioned self harm but I lied. I couldn't physically make myself do any different. He said he couldn't prescribe me any medication and I was going to be referred to a child and teenager mental health place to be assessed. I felt kind of cheated. He just asked me lots of personal, difficult questioned but he can't do anything anyway. I went home feeling angry and frustrated at him, at me, at the whole situation. I ended up tearing up magazines for the rest of the evening. When my dad came home, he had a chat with my mum then came to my room and said "I better not ask how your day was should I?" You can guess how I responded.

That was that for a while. Very little change just waiting, apart from a little chat from my dad about how important I am to them. Over a week afterwards I was doing really badly.I was cutting a lot and thoughts of overdosing were running riot in my head. I took some pills from the medicine cupboard in the kitchen and hid them in my room even though I was still frightened of what I was think of doing. I only took half the pills from the packet (8 pills) because I thought taking the whole packet would look to suspicious. That night I lost it. I took 8 paracetamol pills over an hour in the middle of the night. I couldn't cope anymore. I wanted to hurt myself really badly. I knew it wasn't enough pills to kill me but I thought it was enough to hurt me. I managed to get a couple of hours sleep that night. I woke up, remembered what had happened and freaked out. They hadn't effected me but I was scared. I didn't know what was going to happen. With cutting I know. Everyone has had a cut in their life so you know what to expect but this...I had no clue. I had a panic attack my mum came in to see me. It took me a while to be able to convey anything that made sense to her but I handed her the empty packaging and nodded when she asked if I had taken them all. She noticed cuts on my wrist too. I didn't know what to do. She was going to work and I didn't want her to leave me.

She called a medical helpline. After answering all their questions we concluded I was okay. The limit was 8 in 24 hours and they didn't seem to have had any physical effect on me. If I got sick I would have to go to A&E. They told me to go back to the doctor. I wasn't too happy about that. They just seemed to interrogate me with no results. My mum had realised I found it difficult to talk about these things with her so agreed to let me talk to the doctor privately. I was given a list of helplines and websites and told that they would call the mental health centre to try and move me up the waiting list. The doctor said I should have a blood test to check my liver was okay but my reaction to that was so bad she just checked my blood pressure instead. She did give me the warning that if I got ill later on in the day, I would have to go to A&E and they would do the tests.

I was angry the pills didn't hurt and found the whole situation very difficult to deal with. I know I had really upset mum I could tell. The doctors appointment was followed by lots of challenging talks with my parents that were probably for the better. I managed to get an emergency appoint at the mental health centre. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depressive disorder, put on the waiting list for cognitive behaviour therapy and given medication. I have to go back soon to see how the medication is working out. My mum came with me and she was told ways to try and help me and establish how I am feeling. We were told to lock away all the medication and sharp objects (the sharp object thing is difficult though and didn't fully happen, how am I supposed to make dinner without a knife?) They said if I get really bad I have to be taken to A&E and we talked about the option of going into hospital if needed.

It was a lot to take in and deal with. It was very overwhelming. I think overall it's good because I'm getting help which I seem to need. I'm still dealing with the fact I'm on medication. It hasn't kicked in yet so the unnecessary anxiety, the suicidal urges and all the other horrible stuff still remains and not only that but it feels like it continues to grow. Every day is a real struggle. Some how I'm still here. It just feels like it could be any day approaching that I'll just step in front of car and it will finally all be over. It's my 16th birthday on Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it and I don't want to make it. It's just one of my increasing list of things I just don't want to deal with. I feel guilty for hurt my friends and family. I really try to keep it together for them, it just doesn't seem to work.

I hope you're doing better than I am. If you are struggling, do reach out. It may not make things better today or tomorrow but in the long run it is the best thing to do.

Lots of Love

Becca x

Visiting the V&A

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Last week was half term for me so I went to visit the Victoria and Albert Museum in London with my dad. If you don't know what that is, displays lots of different cultural things such as Roman artifacts and paintings ect. I especially wanted to go because they had an exhibition on Wedding dresses which was interesting and I really enjoyed looking at all the pretty dresses. Unfortunately, you weren't allowed to take photos of that exhibition. However I was allowed to take photos in other parts of the museum so here are a few...

It was a really interesting place with various different things to look at so overall a good day out.

Thanks for reading!

Lots of Love

Becca x

Prom Dress Hunting

Hey, how you doing?

I was meant to post this ages ago and I had a couple of other posts in mind but things have been difficult lately so it just hasn't happened. Instead of having a long sad post to read about what's been going on (which don't worry will come later) I thought I would finally post about the recent hunting I did for my prom dress.

I live in England so we get one prom at the end of Year 11 when we are 16 years old. You also have a prom if you go to sixth form which is two years when you do A levels but I'm not there yet! My prom is in May, the Friday before exams start. Not going to lie I'm not looking forward to prom. I am trying to enjoy it especially for the people around me but I just don't seem to be feeling it. Anyway last Saturday my very good friend took me out prom dress shopping (obviously our mothers came because they're the ones with the money!) She is planning to make her dress which I think is amazing so she insisted on taking me so she could have the experience and try on a few dresses too.

If you are wondering we went into Harrow shopping. I mostly tried on dresses from Debenhams from the brand Quiz. They have really nice dresses and it's not too expensive. In the end my dress cost about £70 which is pretty good for a prom dress.

The following are photos of me trying on dresses. I won't include the dress that I actually bought. I'll save that for later! Here comes some really awkward photos of me in the dressing rooms...

Even though I find these kind of things uncomfortable, I still had fun.

Thank you for reading!

Lots of Love

Becca x

How to...Make Friendship Bracelets: Fishtail

As I'm sure you can tell by the photo above (that I spent way too much time editing instead of doing all the work I was set over the half term holiday) this post is about how to make friendship bracelets. I really enjoy making bracelets and I find them to be a really good distraction. Plus they are really pretty to wear. I mainly make them for myself which sounds sad because they are called 'friendship bracelets'. I'm just referring to them as this because that's the kind of style they are, if you know what I mean. I am thinking of making this the first of a little bit of a series with a few posts on different types of bracelets you can make. Enjoy...

To make this you will need to measure out fairly long pieces of thread. I have chosen to use three different colours but use as many as you want. Then you sort of fold them over in half and tie a knot at the end. You will end up with 6 pieces of thread in pairs of matching colours. Set them out as shown above so they are symmetrical. I have pinned it to a pillow to make it secure and easy to work with but you could cello tape it to a table or something if you would prefer.

How you make the bracelet is very similar to how you make a fishtail braid. You take the outside thread from one side (in this case the left side) and put it in the middle to the opposite side (in this case the right side)

Then take the same colour thread from the outside of the opposite side (right) and place it in the inside of the other side (left). It sounds confusing but hopefully you can see what I mean from the photos. 

Just continue the pattern. Put the thread on the outside to the inside of the opposite side.

Remember to pull the threads tight to get the best result.

I should start to look a little something like this. Just continue braiding until it fits around your wrist then you are done.

I should end up looking a little something like this. As a three thread bracelet in this style is quite thin I like to make it long enough to wrap around my wrist twice.

Thank you for reading.

Lots of Love,

Becca x

I didn't mean to push you away

I don't seem to be very good with people right now I don't think I have been for a very long time. I didn't realise how bad I was for a while. I don't really know where to start my head is buzzing with all these thought and I need to get them down which is why I am writing this.

I guess we'll start from the first time I realised I push people out. It must have been nearly two years ago now...god I haven't thought about how long ago it was...I think I had had fairly bad anxiety for a little before this but this was when I started to feel awful and was really hating myself to the point that I would harm myself. Obviously I wasn't in a very good place. I became extremely paranoid about what people thought about me including my closest friends. This had negative effect on my friendships.

The friendship that I got the most paranoid about was one with two of my oldest friends. I think a friendship between three people can be hard because someone can easily feel left out or like another friend is more liked than them. Really that is what happened. I got extremely insecure about what I did, what I said, what I look like and basically worried that they were judging every single part of me. I thought they thought I was stupid, silly, childish, ugly, annoying, clingy, a try hard and pretty much all the things you don't want anyone to think about you never mind some of your closest friends.

I got to the point where I had accepted I was the least favourite friend. I was the one who tagged along. I was the ugly friend. I was the fat friend. I was the unpopular friend. I was the quiet friend that nobody really cared about. I was just there. This is when I began to subconsciously push them away. I genuinely didn't realise what I was doing. I would talk less, become very shy, when we were together I was on my phone all the time because I was too self concious to socialise properly. 

These negative feelings about myself projected to them as negative feelings about them. After talking to my friend a long time after all this happened and when we were rekindling our friendship, she said to her it seemed like I didn't want to be with them. I was as if I didn't like them and they weren't good enough to be friends with me. To them I seemed quite bitchy. I never realised I was acting in this way. I was just trying to protect myself from what I thought was negative judgement and I was protecting them from having to be friends with me. I thought it was an awful friend and I wasn't good enough to be friends with them. I was sure they didn't want me in their friendship group. I was sure they hated me. I began to notice them doing things more just the two of them. I stopped hanging out with them and communicating in any way. I thought it was what they wanted.

Although I hated myself too and I wouldn't particularly want to be friends with me and I didn't think I was good enough for them, it hurt. I was really upset, disheartened and angry both at myself and at them. While I was thinking to myself "Well done, you just ruined years of friendship. You're a stupid cow that deserves to be alone", I was also thinking "How could they leave me! I do they not care about me at all. They're horrible." I think when I pushed them out I was really wishing they would run after me. When they didn't, I felt awful and worthless.

After months and months, something happened. One of the two friends goes to my school so we had had the odd conversation due to necessity as we were in some of the same classes and stuff. It was all just pleasant small talk where we pretended nothing happened at all. But one day she messaged me saying she needed to talk to me so we talked at break. As my problems had flourished during the time we hadn't talked, she had noticed some scars from across the PE changing rooms. As a sufferer herself she was very kind and understanding. In the days and weeks to come we cleared things up. She understood why I started to act the way I did. I understood that I was all in my head and we had only started to grow apart when I let the negative thoughts affect my friendship.

I tried to be friends again with the second of the two friends but it didn't really work out. I didn't see her much because we didn't go to the same school and I had stopped being involved in the youth group that we had all met at. Also I never believed she really understood or forgave me. I don't really want to be horrible about her because she doesn't deserve it. I just didn't feel good enough and like my problems were good enough for her. How I feel around her is complicated and we both have too much to struggle with right now that being friends isn't really working.

Even though this experience had made me realise a lot of what I think is real is actually just in my head, I think it could also have increased my paranoia about friendships. I worry way too much that I am pushing people out and self consciously acting bitchy when I'm feeling down. They way I feel inside doesn't seem to come out and be expressed to others as they actually are which is very frustrating and makes me feel insecure. I keep thinking that my friends hate me. I never want to ask though, in fear of being annoying and needy, in fear of offending them and in fear of it being true.

My friends are amazingly strong people and I am so incredibly proud of them. They have problems of their own to deal with and I always feel guilty, irritating, weak and undeserving telling them things. So if I decide to keep it from them for their own sake, I have to hide some of myself. I then feel worried that I'm pushing them out and I am not close to them any more and they are going to find new better friends. It's a horrible tightrope act of not wanting to burden them and wanting to be close to them.

All I really want is to be there for them! I want to care and listen and hug them when they need it. I worry they think I'm too weak and I can't handle it. I worry they don't want to burden me which I know is actually what I just said about them. It's just so complicated and difficult. It upsets me it has to be this way. I remember when friendship were so easy. Now we are all individually battling with problems which I fear will tear us apart.

Whatever I do and whatever they do. I don't want to loose them. They mean way too much to me. I want them to know that I'm there for them and I care. I hope they know that and I hope they know how fortunate I feel to have them as friends. I'm just sorry they have to deal with me because I can be very difficult to be with.

Yeah I don't really know what this is either. It's just a massive ramble about friendships. Hopefully it didn't bring you down too much that wasn't the intention.

Thanks for reading

Lots of Love 

Becca x